What does friendship look like on the other side of the cross? How should it be shaped and reshaped by the gospel? Phillip Holmes shares in this video:

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Edited transcript: As we think about what does it mean to be a friend, it’s very important for us to look at the life of Jesus.

Our Flippant use of “Friendship”

Nowadays the term friendship, or the label friendship, it is thrown around to almost anybody. If there’s anybody we like—or we feel like has a nice smile or warm personality—we’re quick to label that person a friend. But I think it’s very important to actually give that word meaning again. We need to really recognize that when you call someone a friend that implies a certain amount of commitment. It implies a certain amount of weight that does not need to be taken lightly. As I think about how Jesus engaged the disciples, a few words come to mind: sacrificial and giving. He was very honest when it came to the disciples. He was willing to say hard things. I think that oftentimes in Christian communities, we enjoy Jesus fellowshipping with the disciples. But I think that to some extent we’ve even taken the weight off what it means to fellowship. “Let’s go and hang out, shoot the breeze, and just be comfortable around one another.”

The Reality of Friendship

But the reality is is that friendship does not always equate to comfort. I think you should be comfortable around your friends. But I think that if you’re really trying to be a good friend, and if your friends are really trying to be good friends back, you’re going to find yourself having very uncomfortable conversations about hard things. You’re going to find yourself having very uncomfortable conversations asking hard questions. It’s really important for us to be willing to cross those lines in a way that’s loving, respectful, and patient. At the end of the day, we can’t fix people. We don’t need to think that, all of a sudden, we’re going to give people the Word of God, and they’re going to change just because of something that we said. Jesus didn’t have that effect on everybody that He encountered. So how can we expect to have that have that effect on people that we encounter—especially our friends? If I had to like sum things up I would say look at the life of Jesus. Study how Jesus engaged the disciples. When we do, we find:

• Be willing to do hard things for your friends.
• Be willing to say hard things to your friends.
• Be willing to ask hard things of your friends.
• Be willing to also allow them to do the same back to you.
• Be slow to label other people as friends.
• Be willing to say, “Let’s get to know each other.” Build trust first before we say, “We’re friends.”
• Once you commit, be consistent.

Friendship Grows, Changes, Ends

But there’s something else that’s really beautiful about friendship: Friendships are not always meant to last a lifetime. It’s not marriage. Friendship is different from marriage. Sometimes we look at friends and we say, “This is my friend for life.” And if you grow apart, people are hurt. It’s as if a divorce is taking place, and somebody has walked out of a marriage. I don’t think that the Bible calls friendship to that level of commitment. But it does say that if you feel like a friendship is growing apart it’s okay to communicate that. To be respectful of the other person and actually say,  “Hey, I’ve really enjoyed the past few years are getting to know you. I want you to know that I love you as a friend, I love you as a brother, I love you as a sister. But I think that, for season, it may be best for us to go our separate ways.” Oftentimes we feel like that there’s something wrong with that. But I don’t think that it is, as long as we’re honest about it. You have a lot of people who’ll be willing to ghost and say, “Hey like you know we were friends for a little while, and now we’re just not talking, and never really communicate.”

Communicating Respectfully and Honestly

But that’s one of the hard parts about friendship right? You have to communicate and work through hard things together. And at the end of the day, if someone else feels like that the relationship isn’t being fruitful, isn’t really encouraging them, isn’t really adding value to their life, and they feel or maybe they feel like they have nothing left to offer, it’s okay to move along because friendships are sometimes for a season and that’s okay. So, I would say look at the life of Jesus, study it carefully, and really look at the way that Jesus engaged His disciples if we want to really understand how the gospel impacts our relationships and our friendships.